"What's the Deal with Penis Size?"

There are many questions in this one. Does penis size matter? Do we actually fit together? And what makes a good lover?

The short answer to the question about size is kind of like that famous presidential quote: it matters to some of the people, some of the time... There has been surprisingly little research in this area, but you’ll find information on that research through the link below.

For the most part people’s size interests take a back seat to other considerations. Aside from your friends who are size queens, the same person might be happy driving a Toyota Tercel one day, and an SUV the next. And as folks on the discussion board are pointing out, small can sometimes be better, depending one what you want to do with it.

"Exploring Sex and Intimacy Without Intercourse"

Sexual Intercourse = “Real Sex”

When most people talk about “sex” they mean intercourse. We’re raised to understand that “real sex” is all about penile-vaginal intercourse. Beyond this the only variation we are supposed to be interested in is finding new sexual positions for intercourse. Sexual behaviors like masturbation (solo or mutual), oral sex , phone sex, massage, writing love letters, etc… are all seen as nice “additions”, but not the main event. Even the term “foreplay” seems to suggest that the things we do before intercourse are nothing more than a build up to the real show.

There is no doubt that sexual intercourse is a staple in a majority of people’s sexual diets. Because most of us are raised to think that having intercourse is having sex, we build up huge anticipation about intercourse and prioritize it, whether we like it or not. One result of this is widespread sexual dissatisfaction for long term relationships and marriages.

On the one hand the physical intimacy that comes with intercourse is understandably attractive. On the other, there are many sexual activities that offer the same, even more, intimacy. In terms of actual sexual stimulation, it is safe to say that there are thousands of sexual activities that provide more stimulation than intercourse.



Getting Beyond Intercourse

Still, it’s hard for people to get around this. Most of us don’t really challenge our status quo definition of sex until we have to. There are many times in our lives where intercourse stops “working” for us, and we might be forced to broaden our sexual horizons:

* When two people have been in a long relationship and sex seems “boring”
* If you or your partner are undergoing, preparing for, or recovering from medical treatment or procedures.
* If you or your partner are dealing with depression, anxiety, or other acute mental health issues.
* If you or your partner are living with chronic or temporary pain.

These are only a few examples of ordinary events and changes that happen in most of our lives that can impact the way we can, or want to, have intercourse. Whether you are currently living with one of these experiences, or if you’re just interested in getting more creative with your sex life, here are some ideas of how to explore sexual behavior and intimacy with your partner without having intercourse.



Sexual Touch

We tend to associate sexual touching with a sort of immature sexuality. Most of our earliest sexual experiences involve touching, often fumbling at first, trying to discover what our partners body feels like, what makes it excited, what it shrinks away from. This experimentation is often done in the dark, or in a hurry, and we don’t always get the chance to slowly and thoughtfully explore every inch of our partner’s body.

Having sex through touch can be an unbelievably intimate and powerful experience, as touch can convey so much: our love, our lust, our desire, our interest in knowing more, and experiencing more from our partner.



Non-Verbal & Non Touching Intimate Sexual Connections

We communicate non verbally, and share energy with people around us all the time. When you’re around someone who is angry or anxious, you may pick up on that energy.
When someone is gazing into your eyes with a look of desire, you may feel a tingle in your body, the thrill of being lusted after.

This sort of energy exchange occurs when we’re having sex too. Usually we don’t talk about it, and it just happens. It happens without our intent, but it comes out of the intensity of the sexual energy that is flowing inside of us.

Tapping into this energy, and using it intentionally, can offer sexual intimacy on a level that you have never experienced. All of this, from not having intercourse!




Sexual Intimacy Through Talking

Classically, “dirty talk” is seen as a raunchy element of sex. It’s something you do to get your partner going, or it’s something you do while having sex. We all have an idea of what it is, but most of us are also nervous about doing it, and unsure about how it works, or how to do it well.


But there are far more ways to enjoy deep sexual intimacy and pleasure through language. Keeping your sex life hot is in part about learning how to take your partner to the point of extreme sexual intensity and not pushing them over the top, but letting them float there. From sharing sexy talk with your partner, to reading erotic stories to each other, to phone sex, to cyber sex, using your mind, and your mouth to draw your partner in and make a connection, can be a heady experience.

"Sexuality and Body Image"

Body image, like sexuality, is one of those very broad terms that everyone uses but few take the time to analyze for themselves. While most research on body image focuses on how we think and feel about the shape and weight of our bodies, body image can incorporate:

* How important our physical appearance is to us
* How we see our “real” bodies (what happens when we look in the mirror, touch ourselves, smell ourselves, etc.)
* How we imagine our body looks
* How we imagine other people look at our bodies.

One of the most important things to remember is that body image is largely an effect of the ideals of beauty that are specific to a time and place. Different societies at different times had ideals of beauty that were radically different from the skinny, practically emaciated body type society holds as "perfect" today. The impact of body image is experienced by most of us in deeply personal ways. But it's important to remember that we are not born with poor body images--it's something we learn.

Body image and sexuality are often thrown together in the media, but what do we know about the relationship between sexuality and body image?
Body image can impact sexuality
When we think about body image and sexuality, we tend to think about it as a fairly simple relationship: If you grow up with positive messages about your body, you'll be more comfortable with it. You'll also likely be more comfortable having sex, and therefore have better sex. If you feel bad about your body, the opposite will be true.

But it isn't that simple. Our body image and our sexuality can impact each other in unexpected ways. Consider a study that examined the connection between body image and risky sexual practices. The study found that:

* Men with more positive body image were more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors.
* Women with more positive body image were less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors.

This study reveals two important aspects about the relationship between sexuality and body image. First, body image can have a different impact on different people. Second, having a “positive” body image doesn’t always mean positive sexual effects.
Sexuality can impact body image
Since the 1960s, feminist therapists and sex educators have been working with women to help them have more positive sexual experiences, specifically helping them learn how to sexually satisfy themselves and teach their partners how to sexually satisfy them. One of the things this work, and the many books it has spawned, reveals is the way that sexual exploration and sexual behavior can have a positive impact on body image.
Positive body image and sexual satisfaction do not always come together
Many people assume that those with positive body image reap the rewards in the bedroom. But the connection between the two is more complicated.

A study of women age 35 to 55, for example, showed that poor body image was related to a reduction in sexual desire and sexual activity. But the same study found that when the women were having sex, their satisfaction was very high. A substantial 72 percent of women in the study reported being physically and emotionally satisfied in their sexual relationship, and 71 percent reported general sexual satisfaction.
Body image is general--sexual satisfaction is specific.
One possible explanation for the above finding is that body image doesn't account for the unique and personal experience of having sex. Some people may be shy and self-conscious about their bodies when they are out in the world, but they may be uninhibited and comfortable while having sex with a partner they trust. Thus, a woman who is bombarded with messages that her aging body is no longer beautiful may feel the weight of that through a decrease in how "sexy" she feels or how often she wants sex. But when she's having sex, the satisfaction may be unrelated to her body image.

"What Makes a Great Lover?"

Browse the virtual shelves of Amazon (or better yet, go to an actual bookstore) and you’ll find hundreds of books that promise to reveal the secrets to becoming a great lover. Go to any magazine stand and you’ll see dozens of magazines with tips on how to drive your lover wild in bed, be the greatest lover known to man, and invent levels of sexual satisfaction that defy gravity and the laws of nature (and that doesn’t even include the porn magazines).

The message these books convey is that with the right teacher and enough hard work you can actually become a great lover, the kind of person has all the right lines and all the right moves. Someone who, in short, can turn hop into bed with anyone and create an unforgettable night (or day) of unparalleled sexual bliss.

I’d like to propose that this is a flawed premise. I don't believe that anyone is great with everyone. I don't buy that with the right technique or know how you can have great sex with every single person you encounter. Phenomenal sex is, to some extent, about the chemistry between the two (or more) people having it. You might be someone’s idea of the perfect lover, but with another partner (even if you do all the same things, say all the same things and ear all the same things) the sex may fall flat.

While there is something to be said for sexual technique , and knowing how to talk about sex , a “great lover” is not in the moves or the talk, it’s in the whole package.

Even the definition of what is a great lover, can be slippery. If you ask ten people you'll get ten different answers. In a way, becoming a “great lover” is probably about taking things one partner at a time. You can learn things in one sexual relationship that applies to others, but sexuality is so subjective and personal, that you can’t always generalize experience, technique, or taste. One person’s sexual turn on may be another person’s deal-breaking turn off.

Is there a way to find out what your partners (past and present) think about sex with you? There is...Ask them! I wouldn’t suggest doing this in the middle of, or immediately before, you’re going to have sex. And don't do it unless you feel like you can handle the answer. But pick a time and place that seems safe and neutral, be prepared to possibly hear things that might be challenging (and be prepared to take a compliment when it’s offered), and ask your partner to talk about what they like about sex with you, and what, if anything, they’d like to do differently.

"What Is Sex ?"

What is sex may seem like a silly question for an adult to ask, but after speaking and corresponding with thousands of people over the years I’ve come to believe that many of our problems about sex are actually problems of definition. As such every search for information, tips and techniques, or answers to sexual problems can benefit from taking a moment to make sure we know what we’re talking about when we talk about sex.



Definitions Of Sex

“Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are.” This way of understanding sex highlights the difference between the act of sex and the individual experience of sexuality, which is an intrinsic part of who we are, one that can’t be separated out of ourselves any more than our ethnicity or religious/spiritual beliefs.

Dictionary definitions of sex tend to be less literary, offering several definitions including:

1. Sex is a way of distinguishing male and female members of a species, usually by referencing their reproductive functions.
2. Sex refers to coitus or intercourse, an act that can result in reproduction.
3. Sex refers to the genitals.

The answer you get to the question “what is sex” depends largely on who you ask. A doctor might tell you that sex is defined by hormones in your body; a therapist might say that sex is all in your head; a guru may tell you that sex is about getting closer to God. Given such broad definitions, it can be helpful to narrow your focus and figure out what aspect of sex you want to learn more about.



Statistics About Sex

One way to define sex is to find out what others are doing in the name of sex, and try to count and categorize these behaviors. It can be informative and reassuring to discover the kinds of sexual diversity in the world (indeed many researchers choose to look at sexual behaviors in other animal species, not just humans). But always keep in mind that statistics can only capture one aspect of sex, and for the thousands of individuals who are counted, millions are not.



Sex Is Our Body

The most obvious and most frequently talked about part of sex is the physical part that involves our bodies. The sexual parts of our bodies are usually considered to be the parts that relate to reproduction: the genitals. But every part of our body can play a role in sex. We may use our feet to physically get us to where we’re going to have sex, we might use our elbows, thighs, or eyelashes during sex play, our earlobes may be involved in unexpected ways. Learning more about how your body works when having sex, and how you can work it more, and better, can expand your definition of sex exponentially.



Sex Is Our Mind

It’s often said that the greatest sex organ is the mind. How we think and feel about our bodies and ourselves, and how we interpret the physical contact we have with others is really what distinguishes good sex from bad. While some people worry about “over thinking” sex, the fact is that exploring our sexual thoughts and feelings may be much more important than trying on the latest sex position or role play outfit.



Sex Is Our Spirit

Sex and religion may appear to be unlikely bedfellows, but most major religions have a lot to say about sexuality. And besides, saying that sex can be defined in spiritual terms doesn’t have to include organized religion. For some, sex is spiritual because they do feel like it brings them closer to a “higher power.” For others it is their personal religious beliefs that guide their sexual behaviors. Regardless of how it impacts you, your religious or spiritual beliefs and convictions make up part of your personal definition of sex, and exploring them is another way of exploring sex.



Sex Is Our Health

Expanding a definition of sex to include sexual health is a good way to bring all these different parts of sex together. Over 30 years ago the World Health Organization defined sexual health as:

".....a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.”